New Year's resolutions

Many rash promises to make and break this year, not least a global crack down on my abuse of ellipses. No matter how dramatic the effect, I will not leave a thought unfinished in 2010. At best, it's ambiguous and tantalisingly enigmatic; at worst, it's vague, irritating and just plain sloppy punctuation. She who hesitates is lost.

However, this is The Stained Kimono, not Eats, Shoots & Leaves. More pressing, and perhaps more plausible a goal, is the desire to memorise the 1945 kanji prescribed by the Japanese Ministry of Education for every child to have learnt on completion of schooling.

Somewhat maschochistic, yes, but not impossible. I've got a year, I already know around 300, and two of my flatmates are natives, and often leave me helpful diagrams on the fridge (and tasty leftover things inside).

Plus, how can you not love a vocab list that features "tranquilise", "torture" and "repress"? Actually, those words taken in order could form an effective - if extreme - aide-mémoire...

Sumie painting

Lisa tries out Japanese ink wash painting.

A beautiful cherry blossom tree...

...and my more prosiac efforts:

(¥30,000, ink on paper, signed by the artist)

Christmas Eve in Osaka

First the money shot, the view from the Umeda Sky Building:

It's very high. There are better pics here, because I don't have a helicopter.

The Japanese don't really do Christmas, so they outsource it to the Germans.

A Scando-Jap Xmas

Gingerbread and oranges and presents, oh my!


Glogg, Schweedish mulled wine, served with toasted almonds and raisins


and this one didn't touch a drop?


No, he can't tell what it is yet.

Spamushi

Yummy delicious sushi spam. I'm not convinced, and I don't think the Japanese are, either. The same store was trying to flog Marmite for £6.

A new home

To the supermarket this morning for quail eggs, chesnuts, a box of seaweed and 2kg sack of rice. That's about 80,000 nectar points.

The Stained Kimono has taken lodgings in the exclusive Kitayama district of Nothern Kyoto. Please email if you'd like the address, and forward all marriage proposals, size 10 shoes, first drafts of screenplays and Divine dark chocolate accordingly.

I now have glorious wi-fi, which means no more tardy replies to all your lovingly composed emails, and almost constant blog updates. At least until I find a job.

Kyoto Station

I normally shun modern achitecture in all its forms, but this 15 storey building is amazing. It's not all shogun palaces and zen gardens...






...and here's a fantastically elaborate bank of ticket machines inside:


No, you can not top up your Oyster here.

Stuff - The Greatest Hits

A night out of debauchery featuring some friendly neighbourhood Swedes and a crazed drunken barman with an impressive Rod Stewart collection.

Every bottle shown was tried, even the yogurt liqueur, all in the name of science.

Malibu? We've got three kinds!

Shortly after the last photo was taken, someone who looked exactly like me went into a McDonalds, ordered a cheeseburger, ate it, and left. Police have no leads.

Geishas

The Stained Kimono has been inundated with requests for 'Hot J-Girl Action'. For your delectation...

Ebony and ivory

Together at last.

Alien jelly children must be supervised at all times.

Fills you up and, um, fills you out.

Boxfresh Elise, economy size.

With Men In Black 3 still in pre-production, Tommy Lee has resorted to advertising coffee at the bottom of vending machines.

For just two pounds a month, you could rent one of his videos from Blockbuster. For god's sake, stock up on the boxsets, people. Look at what you've done to him.

Handicrafts Museum

Celebrate and sing! I awoke afresh and anew after 4-5 days of horrific jet lag, and it wasn't 4am, either! I did not let the rain scupper my plans and headed for the Kyoto Handicrafts Museum where I geeked out to demonstrations of screen painting, woodblock printing, lacquering - which uses deer antler powder, vegetarian fans - and the codes of the kimono.

The type and positioning of the pattern and the width and length of sleeves all denote the age/status of the wearer and the occasion. The dying process is incredibly long and complicated, and has about 14 stages, like all the other crafts on display, which was reflected in the prices in the souvenir shop, where I spent just under a month,s rent.

They wouldn't let me take pics, which is just as well as I no longer have wi-fi, nor the ability to produce apostrophes. Sad times. But I did wake up craving miso soup and rice balls for breakfast today, which is a plus.

I unashamedly luncheoned at Ye Olde Traditional Milano Pizzeria. JapGrub is nice and all, but inedible 3 times a day at this stage in the game.

Origami

Unfortunately, this was the best thing I found in the Tourist Information Office, but I'm glad I did.

Kyoto Imperial Palace Gardens

From the ridiculous to the sublime...
Ate my lunchtime sushi here. Almost makes you sick.







This little boy was frolically joyously among the falling ginko leaves, while his mother sat morose and numb nearby. Or maybe I've seen too many Japanese horror films about single mothers.


See more pics

Osakan bathroom

Literal, concise and to the point.













Prohibtion era hairdryer, obtained on the black market. But is it safe for use?