I'm a bit cold

A handy survival guide to winter in the northern hemisphere.

When you're 600m above sea level, cycle to work and spend your days expelling breath in little fluffy clouds, extreme measures are called for.

Receding hairline? There's an app for that...

Exhibt A: Steve Jobs
As sunglasses are to Bono, and luscious locks were to Sampson, the simple, clean lines of the Jet Black poloneck are the source of all Jobs' power. The fact he comes across as a cheap French mime artist are purely a bonus.

The polo neck is to be worn under all your clothes (over a vest top) lest a whisper of flesh fall prey to the wicked winds of the west. It's a little bit beatnik, a little bit existentialist and a whole lot hideous, but as we will see in Exibit D, fashion is really not on the agenda here.

Exibit B: The Beanie

Jason Mewes and I share many striking similarities: a love of Prince; a forehead you could project a movie on; the long, mustard-coloured tresses; and a predilection for 7/11s (I like the snacks). But let's focus on the head gear.

Note the jaunty angle of the hat: the beanie comes smoothly down almost to the eyebrows, covering the large shiny forehead and making a feature of the much overlooked eyebrow region. The hair can be utilised as a makeshift scarf.

C: Now is the winter of our discontent

But not of our discomfort. Now is the time for trans-fats, artificial colours, MSGs and Red Dye #2. Accept no substitutes. Chase that junk food dragon til your insides turn all gooey and warm and glowy, or you pass out into a sugar coma, and wake up incapable of ingesting solid food. Broccoli tastes of Cold.

D: The Layered Look

Less of a "look" than noisome eye pollution, do not try to fool yourself you are rocking wunnuver-kind vintage. You are almost certainly wearing clothes that old ladies died in. You look decidedly dumpy. If you are wearing less than 5 layers (including underwear), you have failed.

The worst aspect of this particular "vogue" is that it looks suspiciously like you've made an effort. We're mixing patterns, eras, cuts, fabrics - I hesitate to include "styles" in this list, as there are none on display - it's a sartorial nightmare.

Be warned, this is not the "Frasier's Crane's apartment" of dressing. Don't think that by having one carefully chosen patchwork jerkin and mixing it with contrasting plaid bolero you can somehow tie everything together with that sassy pair of antique feather earrings. You look dreadful. But you are warm. Now you know how those old people feel who have to chose between heating and eating each Winter. Dressed like this, however, you do not deserve to eat.

Note Betty's long loose hair, similar to Mr Mewes', covering both ears and neck. It's much too cold for the smart, professional, working gal bun. A fringe is also sensible, and may negate the need for The Beanie. This in turn is negated by the fact that you already look appalling. Glasses can add anything up to an eighth of a degree in extra warmth.

E: Reading material

The three volume Victorian novel is perfect for this time of year. Calm yet convoluted middle class life, nonsensical character development (is it development to get married?) and pleasingly implausible plot twists, all set against the backdrop of a drafty Gothic castle/turbulent moor/damp squalid debtor's prison.

Anything Russian is also good. At least Lara and Yuri are colder than you are. People also get cold in Dickens, usually under conditions of forced labour and/or domestic abuse. Shakespearean tragedy offers a wealth of ritual blinding, matricide/suicide/homicide, hanging and really annoying timing coincidences, all of which are quite cheering under the circumstances

F: Coping mentally
Got a thermometer built into your alarm clock? If you do, you're probably the kind of guy/gal with a compass in their shoe, and I take my beanie off to you, but I digress, Get Rid Of It.

Likewise, stop checking weather updates. It's Cold. Deal with it. Constant mental reinforcement of just how cold you are (as though you need reminding) is not going to help. The temperature in the corridor is cheerfully displayed at a brazen 8 degrees. and it's only going to get colder.

G: How to stay warm in class

• Stand as close to the windows as possible and bathe in the rogue pools of sunlight that collect on the floor.
  
• Allow any heat residue from the sun to soak into your back. Do not allow the students to pull the curtains. This is your only source of warmth, and some of them are wearing shorts.
  
• Play "Where is the Draft Coming From?" and reward yourself with a pinch on the wrist for each correctly identified open window/door. Bonus points if you know that closing it is a mere formality, that the offending door/window will be reopened in a matter of minutes and is a complete waste of time.
• Think very deeply about your most embarrassing moment. A recent one. Really project, now. He was asking out the girl behind you. You will glow a lovely warm red.
  
• Laugh very, very hard. Similar result.
  
• Think about sex. Ibid.
  
• Prowl around the room stealing students' hot water bottles/hand warmers. They will think it's funny and cute. Again, half of them are still wearing shorts.
  

In between classes, you can run between rooms to avoid the scalding cold. Sing as you go. Students will fall in line behind and trot merrily after you, transforming you into a sort of harlequinned Pied Piper (this is dependent on you having got the Layered Look right).

Think warming thoughts. Think of the two pairs of tights, tracksuit bottoms, hat, scarf, earmuffs and two pairs of gloves you will don to cycle home, through the snow. Home to your 1x1 two-bar heater, rattling aircon and sporadic, earthquake-inspired power cuts.

If all else fails, make a blog post about how dreadful your life is and melt the frozen tears into pools of joy. If nothing else, it will guilt trip your friends into posting you chocolate.